How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
i now understand why vodka
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
