i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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