Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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