I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
