dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
