totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
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