It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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