So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
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Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
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Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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