Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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