im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
