What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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