We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
