White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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