Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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