he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
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I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
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I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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