Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
