im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
