I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
