So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
