I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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