Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
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and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
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ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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