When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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