The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome