I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right