You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
