I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
