she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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