Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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