Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
