She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
