if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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