Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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