I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you inspire me to be a worse person
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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