My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
