saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Houston, we have a blender
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
