Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
