my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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