that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I smell stomach acid.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
