My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
apparently the secret to your success is patron
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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