Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
