I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
