My nipple is on Facebook.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
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new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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