Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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