Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
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