Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
