i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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