She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
