I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
