Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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