So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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