i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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