i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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