I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
