if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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