Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
