Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
