proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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