y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
